now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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