It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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