Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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