you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
