the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
