Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
