I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's shark week go big or go home
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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