Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
