new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
