I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
