He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
