Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
