i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
