He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
