turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
