so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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