I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
