i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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