i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
