He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
