I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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