is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Randomize
