The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
