We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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