I puked a lego.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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