since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
