A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
