Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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