Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
