you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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