I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
