I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
