Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i used baking grease as lip gloss
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
