Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
