I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
