Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize