Christians are straight up FREAKS
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
