fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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