we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
