he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
last night I used snow as a chaser
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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