I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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