She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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