ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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