Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
