I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
