she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
