I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
