Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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