I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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