you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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