That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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