It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
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She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
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He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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