sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
