I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
