so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
