Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I am spending my child support on dildos
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
