She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
