Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
