And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
