8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
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